Deem Me Worthy

The name of my blog feels particularly appropriate today as the past few days have haunted me and forced me to face my fears in the light of day. I struggle to make sense of it all and strain to grasp on to peace, to comfort, to hope.

I hate that the first man that was supposed to love me, didn't. And I hate that since then, I've moved through life in a carefully crafted dance to make sure that no one could break me into pieces the way that he had. I held the cards in most every relationship since then and I only let myself be known to a point that I felt comfortable so that if the guy were to leave, I could always chalk it up to the fact that he didn't know me fully because if he had I would have been enough to make him stay. It was self-preservation. It was fear. It was insecurity. It was very empty but it was very safe. Yet, I knew a point would come when there would be someone that I would love more than my own security.

And then I met him. And know him. And love him. And have allowed him to know and to love me.

And I am rivaled with fear, as I stand here exposed, vulnerable, aching to hear him say that, forever and always, he chooses me. Last night, my heart trembled in fearful expectation of what those words could provide: redemption or condemnation, death or life.

I started writing last night and something happened between the sunset and sunrise to help me realize that my life is not held in someone else's hands.

For today, I know that I am strong, far stronger than I give myself credit for. I know that I am loved. That I am brave. That I am worthy. That I have already been and will forever be chosen. I don't need to be saved for I am not lost. I don't need to be put back together because I am not broken. I don't need to be restored for I am already whole.

And so, I still want those words. I want the "I do" and I want the promise it contains. But I can now say in complete confidence that I don't need those words to deem me worthy for I finally know and believe that I already am.