Happy Camper

I looked back at an earlier post today and just had to laugh. In early September, I celebrated the start of camping season and the desire to really get as much outdoorsy time as possible in this season. Little did I know that the rain clouds would make that darn-near-impossible. But here we are, moving towards the end of October and I have one last fighting hope for a camping trip. We have one planned for this coming weekend and although today the rain continues to fall hard on our Tennessee landscape, I am hopeful that the sunshine will find us by the weekend...

Freedom

It's friday. And it's the first one in a while that actually felt like one. I won't be working at all this weekend which is a rarity in the past few months. I won't have to check my blackberry nonstop for fear of missing something. I don't have anyone that needs anything from me. I can simply be. I can read. And rest. And love. I can't wait.

A Habit of Forgetting to Let Go

My grandma passed away two weeks ago. She was 94 years old and lived in a rich and wonderful life. She was ready to go, but even at 94 years old, it felt like it was all so sudden and far too soon. She was the last of my grandparents and this loss has left the world feeling smaller than it had before as I saw the end of that generation in my life. My other grandparents have been gone for years now but the loss of them will never fully heal. I don't know how many times I've been struck by a thought or a memory and moved to tears by their painful absence. They say that time can heal all things. I don't think that's the case in the death of a loved one. Sure, the pain may subside at times but the void that is left is massive and can't be filled by anyone else.

Sticks and stones...

This morning was off to a wretched start. I got to the office and my co-worker was in the same funk. We decided that we need to hit the morning refresh button and start this thing again, hopefully with better results. So we went to breakfast. We had a server that spoke kind and encouraging words. And there it was...the fresh start that I needed. The day has been nothing short of great since then.

As I was thinking on this experience, I couldn't help but reflect on the power of words: to hurt or heal, build up or break down. Certainly, this week has some high-profile examples of how the reckless use of language can be devastating.

There is the story of Serena Williams who went off on the line judge at the U.S. Open. She spoke words of anger and malice as she questioned a call that was made during her match. Sure, she issued the sort of PR apology that celebrities need to issue if they don't want to get blackballed for their poor attitude. Yet, in spite of this public statement, she spoke words that were hurtful and although I'm certain that the line judge read the apology online or in the paper just like anyone else, it doesn't mean that the insulting tone of Serena's rant are not still painful to her. Her words questioned the judgement and skill of the judge, which I'm sure could make her feel insecure in herself and her abilities. Unfortunately, a public apology can't fix that.

And, then, there is the story of Taylor Swift and Kanye West at the MTV Video Music Awards. Taylor won for Best Female Video, making her the first country music artist to ever receive a VMA. Ever. And she's 19. So, needless to say, this should be a bright moment for her. Yet, sadly that moment was cut short by Kanye feeling the need to grab the microphone from her hand to inform her and the whole watching world that he didn't feel as though there was another artist more deserving of that award. It was painful to watch as you could see her muster up all of the courage she has to keep a brave face. He, too, issued a public apology and even, apparently, also called to offer a personal one. But, sadly, that doesn't fix it. I'm sure his statements, even if retracted later, have got to make Taylor question herself and her abilities; to ask herself if maybe he was right and she didn't deserve it. It doesn't matter if the words were true, they still sting.

I hope that these outbursts have reminded us of the power of our words and the importance that we speak them with intention and a keen awareness of the feelings of those around us. Let us not be emotive. Let us not be harsh. Let us not be careless.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." ~James 1:19

The Great Escape

It looks as though my desire to venture outside of the city wallks will be appeased soon. It's camping season and we plan to take full advantage of it...

Can't wait to enjoy the splendor of God's creation with my one and only.

Wide Open Spaces

I just had five days off...in a row...yes, I can hardly believe it either. But due to a plethora or reasons, I stayed at home. The days were productive. I was crossing things off of my to do list in a half-crazed fury. My car is clean, my closets are organized, my refrigerator stocked, my life in order. And maybe that should be enough but it's not, not for me anyway, no for me to feel happiest in my life, I need to get in a car or on a plane. I need to venture out, explore, or as John Mayer would say "leave the great indoors". This has been a very strange year for me as I've been quite land-locked. I have this over eagerness to get away and just discover the life outside of these city limits. I don't know when that opportunity will come but I wait with eager expectation for it.

Great Quote

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." ~ Author Unknown

Such Sweet Sorrow

Cameron leaves today. In a car packed with his earthly possessions, departing for a voyage that will inevitably change the way he views and interacts with the world, he leaves today. Of course, on a less selfish / emotional day, I would tell you how excited I am for him, how much I can't wait to hear the stories that will soon be his, how blessed Cape Verde will be to have him and how confident I am that he will impact the people there far beyond their expectations. All of those things are true. But today, that is not what I am really thinking about. No, today, I am just sad. Sad that one of the dearest people in the world to me will be so many miles away. Sad that I am losing a constant companion, a treasured friend from my day to day world. Sad that he is one of the few people in the world that I feel like I can be entirely myself around and who loves me for that. I find it ironic that my move from Nashville to LA was less emotional for me than this day has been. But, then again, Cam isn't just any friend, he's one of the very few that I expect to be a part of my life for the rest of it.

Inspiration

Deem Me Worthy

The name of my blog feels particularly appropriate today as the past few days have haunted me and forced me to face my fears in the light of day. I struggle to make sense of it all and strain to grasp on to peace, to comfort, to hope.

I hate that the first man that was supposed to love me, didn't. And I hate that since then, I've moved through life in a carefully crafted dance to make sure that no one could break me into pieces the way that he had. I held the cards in most every relationship since then and I only let myself be known to a point that I felt comfortable so that if the guy were to leave, I could always chalk it up to the fact that he didn't know me fully because if he had I would have been enough to make him stay. It was self-preservation. It was fear. It was insecurity. It was very empty but it was very safe. Yet, I knew a point would come when there would be someone that I would love more than my own security.

And then I met him. And know him. And love him. And have allowed him to know and to love me.

And I am rivaled with fear, as I stand here exposed, vulnerable, aching to hear him say that, forever and always, he chooses me. Last night, my heart trembled in fearful expectation of what those words could provide: redemption or condemnation, death or life.

I started writing last night and something happened between the sunset and sunrise to help me realize that my life is not held in someone else's hands.

For today, I know that I am strong, far stronger than I give myself credit for. I know that I am loved. That I am brave. That I am worthy. That I have already been and will forever be chosen. I don't need to be saved for I am not lost. I don't need to be put back together because I am not broken. I don't need to be restored for I am already whole.

And so, I still want those words. I want the "I do" and I want the promise it contains. But I can now say in complete confidence that I don't need those words to deem me worthy for I finally know and believe that I already am.

Rain, rain on my face....it hasn't stopped raining for days

My world is a flood. ..as I'm bombarded with appointments, expectations, uncertainties, questions, oh, and a heck of a lot of rain. It's an interesting time in life, knowing that change may be brewing but I can't predict what it will look like any more than I can say where that next storm cloud will settle or that bolt of lightning will strike. It's both terrifying and exhilarating, when all you can do is hope for the best and hold on tight. And that's where I am....hoping and holding...